“God has given us these exact children in this exact birth order with these exact personalities, not merely so that we can raise them, but in order for them to be His tools in our lives to grow us up into the women He has created us to be. He gave us that strong-willed toddler, that child we just don’t ‘get,’ that one with disabilities. Every child is a gift from God and He will use each one in our lives for good if we let Him. It’s helpful to ask, God, what are you teaching me through this special child of mine? God is full of mercy and full of grace. And He is always faithful.”

I think the tricky part is the remembering to humbly ask God what He is teaching us instead of just trying to “fix” our child.  It was actually at a FamilyLife marriage weekend retreat, that Kirk and I went to before we had kids, that this same principle was really impressed upon me about our spouse as well.  God has placed our family members in our lives to help us to grow and move us along in the sanctification process.  We can either fight that or embrace it.  I like to think of my children as “Little Sanctifiers”.

If you’ve been following with the “Gentleness Challenge” over at Women Living Well you will appreciate this last one about how “Perfect women aren’t real, and real women aren’t perfect”.  Our husbands and children aren’t perfect either, but God can and will use that in our lives to grow us, if we cooperate.

Blessings to your family,

New Years is a time for setting new goals.  We really all already have goals…we just don’t necessarily look at them as goals all the time.

More gentleness is one of my goals for this year.  One day it seems like I have all kinds of patience for my kids.  They can be putzy (which kids really are), and needing help for every last thing and I’m not one bit irritated.  Then the very next day (or hour) they are doing the very same thing and I am annoyed, bothered and angry with them.  I was thinking about why that is.

I think it comes down to the fact that I am perceiving the kids as blocking my current “goal” at that moment.

I am often frustrated with the kids as I am heading out the door and trying to beat the clock.  The goal: be on time (or at least don’t miss the whole event LOL).  They are blocking that goal.  The lost shoe becomes a huge frustration, and I act toward my kids in a disrespectful and very “ungentle” way.

When I am trying to finish up an email and the kids are arguing I am often less than gracious in how I handle it.  The goal: finish the email.

When my children are disruptive and disorderly in public I get frustrated.  The goal: look like a good mom with good kids.

I’m trying to sit and rest while some children are sleeping and others are outside.  Inevitably, someone wakes early or a glove has fallen off a little hand for the 12th time.  The goal: relaxation.

So, what if THE goal changes in all of these situations to: lean on God to be the best mom I can be?  Can the kids block that goal??

We are running late and my goal is to be the best mom I can be?  Can I do that while we are running late?  Maybe that means re-evaluating and getting up earlier the next time.  Or maybe that means that I take the time to deal with whatever the kids need at that moment and we are late.  See, I can be gentle if the goal is to be a good mom because being a good mom may mean being late in a certain situation.

My goal of finishing the email changes to be the mom God has created me to be, and maybe I won’t miss that teachable moment.  Or maybe it’s time to train my kids in a quiet time for their good as well as my ability to accomplish things.  The kids aren’t in the way…the email is in the way.

What about those disorderly children in public?  If I discipline out of the motivation to look good, then that isn’t for my children’s best interest.  If I do it to help them learn obedience or self-control because that is what God calls me as a mom to do then I am focused on them and not on me.

The change happens when I’m not reliant on what my kids do any more.  I’m only responsible for how I respond to them.

This is something that I need a constant reminder on!  So, when I saw the “Gentleness Challenge“ over at “Women Living Well” I thought it would be a great chance to be reminded throughout the month of January.  You can read Courtney’s “Gentleness Challenge” by clicking the button below. 

We got a chance to see Todd speak at the Minnesota homeschool conference (MACHE) in April.  He had great reminders about not believing the lies that most homeschool moms do.

Kirk graciously went to work to meet several obligations and then cut out early for our family to have some time together.

I could blame it on hormones, or just an off day.  I could say it is my children or Kirk not meeting my needs.  Maybe it’s the weather or the size of the house.  Possibly it’s that I haven’t had enough time to myself or that I just need to read that one great book I haven’t found yet.  Maybe it’s laziness, busyness or something in my diet.

I set my alarm this morning for 6:30AM.  I knew exactly what was going on.  I have once again been trying to do this thing called life on my own. Some of those things in the above paragraph may be legitimate concerns, but if I haven’t given things over to God to live in His power alone it is all for naught.  The truth is that pregnancy does mess with hormones.  Kirk and the kids will fail me.  The weather will be “bad”.  My discontentment will lead me to think I need more.  I am constantly trying to figure out the “right” formula.  Whether it is the best homeschooling schedule, menu plan or organizational strategy it is all just trying to control things on my own unless I have given things over to God first.

My prayer before I started today went something like this, “God, give me the energy to keep up with my kids and husband, the creativity to engage and encourage them, the discipline to be consistent, the wisdom and insight to see what is needed when, and the mind to remember that I need to remain in You alone.  I am not called to be anyone else so I don’t need to compare myself to others.  I don’t need the approval of men so I don’t need to worry about what things my appear to be.  Ultimately, I can’t…You already did.”  God may lead me (or you) to that organizational strategy or that great book, but if I am looking for that “thing” to solve what only Christ can do then I am only trying to do it on my own and that is pride (and idolization).

There is something extremely freeing about the fact that I just get to give it to God.  So, when Addie is still stamping her feet in frustration (not that my sweet little red head would ever do such a thing) I can go to God and ask for what I need and get my identity from Him and not my children or their behavior or anyone or anything else.

“…even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”  Psalm 139:10

1. Have you ever had surgery?

Not until after Cade was born.  6 weeks after he was born I was at a Vikings vs Packers party at my sister’s house when I had severe stomach pain. We drove our mile home, and I decided we needed to head to ER.  Cade was born October 11th, and I was having my gallbladder taken out the day after Thanksgiving.  It was pretty uneventful.  The worst part was the nurse who couldn’t figure out how to get my IV in.

2. Ever ride in an ambulance?

Nope, but Kirk has had at least 2 experiences in an ambulance.  One was with Cade when he was small, and he had croup so bad we were pretty scared.  We had just gotten him settled down watching a VeggieTale when several large men appeared trying to force Cade to wear an oxygen mask.  This freaked him out and caused him to go into a coughing/not breathing fit all over again.  We waited for the ambulance for FOREVER.  We learned that in a similar situation we would save ourselves the $600 and take Cade ourselves.

3. How are you in a medical emergency? Panicked? Calm?

I haven’t really been in that many emergency situations.  When I was a camp counselor and we were playing some type of “Capture the Flag” game I came upon a camper with her shin bone sticking out of her skin.  Someone stayed with her while I ran to the camp office.  Again, Kirk has had much more experience in a variety of emergency situations which I will let him tell on his blog someday.  He is quite good in an emergency situation though.  He is calm and decisive and jumps into action.

4. Do you have a garden? Flowers or veggies?

Both.  With 20 acres it’s easy to think you can garden way more than what you can realistically weed though.  By the end of last year I was so sick of the weeds (we had so much rain it was crazy) that I told Kirk, “This is going to all be grass next year!”  Many months later I have resolved that I am ready to tackle it again on a smaller level this year.  We love the fresh beans, lettuce, squash and tomatoes etc.

I am a fan of perennial flowers in the thought that you plant once and they keep coming back, but it doesn’t always work that way especially in this climate:).

5. When did you move out of your parents house?

I moved out when I went to Northwestern College (as a sophomore) and lived in the dorms.  I moved home for a couple months and was married August 1st.  I then moved into the church parsonage with Kirk in Edina, MN.  I was almost 20, but that is a whole other post:).

Ok, I know it’s Saturday…but better late than never right?  I often read Kirk’s cousin, Beckie’s “5 Question Friday” posts and thought I would join in this time around.  So, feel free to join in, link up and do your own “5 Question Friday” if you’d like!

1. Have you ever testified in court? For what?

I’ve never testified, but I’ve had the great pleasure of having jury duty when we lived near Minneapolis.  There’s nothing better than being thrown in a huge room with complete strangers waiting to have your name called for 3 days.  It’s amazing how quickly you go from talking to no one to laughing and doing puzzles with someone.  I did get called on day 3 to potentially be on a jury.  We started the interview process for a drunk driving case only to have it dismissed the next day.

2. Do you still have your wedding dress?

Yep!  It’s in a box that has been professionally sealed…I hope when I do open it one day it really is my dress in there:).  It’s sitting in our basement.  Kirk always thinks I should have sold it…I don’t think a dress from 1998 would really bring much now.

3. Is there a special place you like to go when you’re happy, sad, stressed, etc.?

Hmmm…when it’s nice out I really enjoy walking/jogging outside by myself.  I’m kind of a baby when it comes to anything below 30 degrees though.  I do often take baths with a good book.

4. If you have kids, do they sleep with you? If you don’t have kids…will you let your kids sleep with you when/if you have them?

Our beautiful children have their own beds, and we have always let them use those:).  We have found that for us it is best NOT to have the kiddos in bed with us.  We have dear friends who see it otherwise and I say, “To each his own”.  We do let them come and hang out with us in bed in the morning, and that is fun (if it isn’t too early).  We also had a phase were Ella was pretty fearful at night so we did allow her to sleep on the floor next to us.

5. Do you watch late night TV?

We don’t have any kind of decent TV reception at home so we actually don’t watch any TV at all (Except for during the Olympics and that is with Kirk having to rig up various things to make it work).  We know we could get a basic service for fairly cheap, but we have found that it is helpful not to have another distraction around.  It’s also kind of funny to have to explain commercials and such to our children:).

So, happy Friday a little late:).

• He is currently on his way home with Cade and Ella from their Christmas program practice.  I stayed home with Addie.  He is a Sunday School helper in Ella’s class so that also means helping with the program.
• He just called me to make sure I had a package of hot dogs ready.  Why?  He is taking Cade and Ella out into the woods to make a fire and eat supper in the woods.  The temperature is currently 16 degrees and with the sun soon setting it will most likely get colder.  Never mind that we have just had the blizzard of the decade and probably have 2 feet of snow outside!!  I don’t get it, but Cade and Ella are sure excited!
• Kirk and Cade were supposed to go to the Vikings game last week via some tickets given to them by gracious friends.  It just so happened that the Metrodome collapsed so the game ended up being in Detroit instead of Minneapolis.

• Here’s the Metrodome Collapse if you missed seeing the fun.  Obviously, Kirk and Cade didn’t go to that game.  No, instead they are going this coming Monday night.  The minor detail that makes the whole experience even more fun is that the Metrodome (ok, I know it’s technically the “Mall of America Field”, but it’s still the Metrodome to me:)). is still not repaired so Monday night’s game with be at the TCF Stadium, and that is OUTDOORS.  Also, the tickets are general admission so Kirk is going to take Cade down there, stand in line for who knows how long, and then sit outside in the freezing cold for a team that hasn’t done well this year.
• Knowing that Kirk was going to take Cade to the game he felt he should do something special with Ella as well.  At a future date, he will be taking Ella ice skating.

This is just a sample of what he does with our kiddos as this is only this week.  I haven’t mentioned so many other things like how he will be involved with Christmas this week, how he does a great job running his own business while prioritizing us or how well he loves me.  He’s not perfect, but I would definitely classify him as “great“!  Thanks for being a very present and loving daddy to our children, Kirk!

Here is what I have been learning/thinking about the last 2 months since my last entry.

It seems that God puts our children in our lives to teach us how much we still have to learn and work through.  It happens so often that the very things that I am trying to impart to them is the very thing I am coming up short in myself.  God has a funny way of doing that.  Let me give you some examples:

• -I tell the kids to speak respectfully to each other only to catch myself being rude to Kirk.
• -How many times have I said, “You don’t have to worry about Cade/Ella, just worry about yourself.  I can take care of Cade/Ella.”…I can just hear God saying, “You don’t have to worry about __________, just worry about yourself.  I can take care of _________”.
• -One of my favorite things to tell the kids is that they can choose to do the right thing even if someone else is doing the wrong thing.  The thing I have added to this recently is that this is NOT easy to do, and we need to ask God to do it for us!!
• -Cade gets frustrated pretty easily when he is making something and it won’t work correctly.  ”Cade, it’s not a big deal…just keep trying…being frustrated doesn’t help you do it better”.  Fast forward to tonight when the message I have composed has vanished on me 3 times!!  Yeah…don’t you see me remaining really calm!?

It is so evident that even though the kids are fighting over a “silly toy”, and I am just making my feelings known, that at the end of the day it is exactly the same thing!  It isn’t any easier for them to do the “right thing” than it is for me.  They feel just as justified in their selfishness as I do in mine.  Mine might look more sophisticated, but it is still wrong.

This last month I did a personal study by Cynthia Heald on grace.  It was so refreshing.  It was a refocusing for me to just surrender to God and to quit trying to do it on my own!   It really is a daily dying to self.  Some days are easier than others…and some days I just think I will try it on my own again.  The beautiful thing is, is that God longs to be gracious to us, and He knows we can’t do it without Him!!

So, even though I am in an authority position with my children, I am also in the same boat…all I can do is point them to Christ for their victory.

I was recently reading a book called, Blessing Your Husband, by Debra Evans.  She brings up the question about what marriage is for and why God created it.  Happiness may be a by-product of marriage, but it isn’t the purpose.  Could that be why so many marriages are failing today?  I know that there have been many days that I have been frustrated with Kirk for not meeting my needs.  Somewhere I have many times bought into the lie that he is here to make me happy, and when he doesn’t meet up to that expectation I am frustrated, irritated and usually crabby.  But, what if when Kirk doesn’t meet what I think I need (real or perceived) I took it as an opportunity to serve, or learn humility, or practice patience, or go to God with my need.  Isn’t true love sacrificial?  What if, instead of pouting I prayed about how God wants me to respond?

It was at a A Weekend to Remember marriage conference that Kirk and I went to several years back that we learned that the spouse you have is God’s “perfect provision” for you.  That does NOT mean your spouse is perfect!!  It means that God will use your spouse to refine you and make you more like Him if you allow Him to.  WOW!  That was pretty revolutionary for me.  All the things that are maybe weaknesses (or my perception of weaknesses) in Kirk can be the very things that God will use to change me.  The only problem is that there are many times that I work to change Kirk instead of seeking God to change me.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I really enjoy my marriage, and Kirk is a wonderful husband.  The fact remains that no matter how “wonderful” your spouse is they will never be perfect and they cannot meet all your needs.  What I do know is that my marriage is very different when I change my perspective from being made happy to being changed!